The Wonktionary

Dr Death’s

Wonktionary (n.) - A compendium of wonk words
used in the NHS and medicine.  Sometimes funny,
sometimes bitter and cynical, all words are submitted
by those who at the frontline in the NHS or medicine
who are suffering under the linguistic cosh. 

BMA (comp. n) 1.  blatant management arselicken N.B. not approved by MedicalHarm editors

gross misconduct (comp. n.) legal 1.  warning senior management about poor patient care

patient choice (comp. n) 1. Mid Staffs dehydration or starvation

target (n.) 1.  modern politics soundbite from Minister of Health

hospital acquired infection (comp n.) avoidable problem due to overcrowding

bedsore (n.) culpable lack of nursing care

streamlined (adj.) cheap and ineffective

medical director (comp. n.) 1.  position failed clinician who wants large salary and pension

deep clean (comp. n.) even redistribution of E.coli, MRSA,& C.diff throughout ward

care plan (comp. n.) administrative excuse to ignore patient

connecting for health (phrase) 1.  late modern I.T. systems how to pour £6,000,000,000 down the drain

whistleblower (n.) 1.  as in shoot heroic patient champion now on dole

workstream (n.) 1.  late modern NHS management speak no work and no progress

lessons have been learned (phrase) we continue to turn a blind eye

PFI, private finance initiative (phrase) profiteers filch infrastructure

MRI, magnetic resonance images (phrase) meanly rationed images

hospital car park (comp. n.) cash cow to fund at least one whole tier of management

staff car park (comp. n.) car park just big enough to cater for administrative

split site (phrase) patients in one hospital, doctors in another, notes in another!

chief executive (n.) huge gain, no blame

multi-disciplinary team (comp. n) convoluted method of delaying urgent treatment

GMC, General Medical Council gerontocracy  means chaos

Care Quality Commission 1.  quango that prefers holding meetings whose only purpose is to create another meeting or a “desk based exercise”.  2.  good if you don’t like getting out of the office or are immobile

issues (n.) lack of care.

concerns (n). total lack of care

nicholson challenge (phrase) how to get a Knighthood AND become Head of the NHS despite being Chief Executive of Mid-Staffordshire SHA

public and patient involvement (compound phrase, process) only apply if you will roll over and have your tummy tickled.

critical friend (comp. n.) anyone too polite to say anything that might upset a public servant.

centre of excellence (nominative phrase) any old hospital that’s aiming for Foundation Trust Status/solvency/to crack MRSA/C-Diff.

robust procedures (comp. n.) we have done nothing about it.  We are doing nothing about it.  We are never going to do anything about it.

patient-centred (comp. n) designed by an expensive troupe or gaggle of accountants.

now (adj.) no fixed time, maybe up to several decades.

“we’re addressing the issue” (phrase) we have never heard of it.  We have no plans to find out.

independent (adj.) 1. biased, and has been paid large amounts of cash.  2. or wants honours.

rationalise (v.) slash.

“clinical services for the twenty-first century” (phrase) no clinical staff and a fifth rate computer system.

“hospital at night team” (phrase) cost slashing exercise.

“best practice” (compound n.) conduct not seen since the Middle Ages, pre Florence Nightingale, all we can afford.

“scanning the horizon” (phrase) a regulator doing nothing whilst claiming to look for pirates.

grievance procedure (compound n.) show trial.

dynamic (adj.) useless.

wide-ranging piece of work (phrase, Labour CQC and late modern) we sat down with the Chief Executive’s secretary.  we shuffled some papers.  we left.  we didn’t speak to any medical staff.